By
Julie Ferwerda, From: Crosswalk.com Contributing Writer
Christian men and women in the dating world are met with so much wrong
thinking in their relationships. It’s my hope to help you identify certain
destructive lies in your thinking before it is too late.
LIE #1: She’s flirting with me because she thinks I’m great.
Truth: While it seems innocent and fun, flirting is not a behavior that women
who are trying to attract the right kind of man indulge in. Most women who
flirt are looking for attention, not just from one certain great guy, but from
any who will give them the attention they crave. Why? Likely she either has a
poor self-image and she’s searching for ego strokes, or she is desperately
looking for approval that she didn’t receive from her father. The trouble is,
flirtatious women often have a hard time leaving that trait behind when they
get married, and they inappropriately (and dangerously) continue to search for
the approval of men long after “I do.” Also, women who need this type of
attention can tend to be high maintenance in relationships, always craving more
attention.
LIE #2: She doesn’t realize what her revealing clothes are
doing to me.
Truth: More likely than not, when she bought those clothes she was thinking
about how you (and every other man) would drop his jaw when she walked by.
While many women don’t realize the extent of men’s visual stimulation (since
it’s quite different than women), most know exactly what they are doing to you.
It’s called putting you under a spell to get what they want from you. Proverbs
calls this a “seductress” with clear warning: “a seductress is a narrow well.
She also lies in wait as for a victim, and increases the unfaithful among men.”
Proverbs 23:27-28
LIE #3: Her lack of faith won’t pull me down.
Truth: Solomon, the wisest man and king who ever lived, fell for this lie.
Believing he was smarter than God gave him credit for, he stubbornly ignored
God’s warning not to marry the pagan women of other nations because they would
turn his heart after their false gods. Sure enough, that’s exactly what
happened—and it cost him greatly. In the end, he walked away from his faith. So
if the wisest man who ever lived, the one who had been visited by God himself
on two different occasions and who even built God’s temple, wasn’t strong
enough to stay devoted to God while going after unbelieving women, how could
you be any different?
LIE #4: She’s clingy, but I like to be needed. She’ll settle
down once we’re married.
Truth: According to studies, men thrive on being needed, but this can backfire
because many women out there are desperate to get married for the wrong
reasons. A woman with “emotional gaps” will put expectations on you that you’ll
never live up to, no matter how much time, love, or words of encouragement you give
her, because she has mistaken you as the answer to her longings. After the
wedding, you’ll disappoint her because you can’t do or be enough, and she may
turn to other things for comfort—food, other men, alcohol, or shopping, to name
a few. Depending on you occasionally for emotional support, or to help with
certain things (like changing her oil or mowing her lawn) are great, but when
it comes to emotional neediness, it’s a red flag and it’s not going to get
better until she gets help.
LIE #5: If she knew who I really am, she wouldn’t want me.
Truth: This fear motivates men to tell women what they
want to hear
instead of being open and honest about who they really are. When this happens,
the relationship is built on a lie, increasing the chance of relationship
failure later on. It also increases a man’s anxiety over exposure and
rejection, creating a cycle of deceit. The woman you’re dating deserves to know
exactly who you are and what kind of person she’s agreeing to love. It’s not
fair to give her false hope. As an example, going to church with her before you
are married or pretending to be a spiritual leader, with no intention of
continuing later, is not an honest representation of yourself. If she is a good
match for you and she’s operating under grace, she’ll love and accept you,
warts and all.
LIE #6: She wouldn’t just date me for financial reasons.
Truth: Think again. A woman’s greatest need is for security, according to
studies. That doesn’t mean that all women are gold diggers, but you have to
search out motives. There’s many a financially distraught woman thinking that
getting married to someone financially stable will solve all of her problems,
whether or not the man is right for her. Watch for a few factors. Does she
manage her own money well? Is she stable financially on her own? Does she
display expensive tastes out of her budget? Does she focus on her lack of
finances or on your comfortable lifestyle? If you are concerned, be sure to
approach this matter privately with a qualified pre-marriage counselor (her
pastor?) for some objective help in discerning her motives. This may sound
harsh, but you don’t want to risk marrying a woman who only loves your money.
LIE #7: When I marry her, my lust problem will be solved.
Truth: This is a frequent misconception for men who are waiting to have sex
until marriage. They think, “When I’m able to have sex with my wife, I won’t be
tempted by pornography or dwell on lustful thoughts anymore because I’ll have
an outlet for my sexual energy.” I think honest men will tell you that marriage
did not solve their lust problem. In some cases, it aggravated it. This is due
primarily to the fact that lust isn’t a sex problem. It’s a heart problem. And
just like a fire, when you begin to feed it, it gets hotter and hungrier, not
satisfied. When a man gets married, he may be even more focused on sex and can
still feed his lustful thoughts with images and fantasies. The only answer is
to starve the fire of lust to make it eventually die down. Flee, as the Bible
says, from sexual temptation.
Many men also go into marriage expecting their wife to be a sex
goddess—ready for a romp 24/7. Relationship problems, low sex-drive, busy
schedules, interruptions from kids, and physical problems can all contribute to
marital sex not being as plentiful as you hoped.
LIE #8: She nags, but what woman doesn’t.
Truth: Frequent nagging is a control problem. If you want to be mothered for
the rest of your life, then go ahead and accept the challenge. If not, either
make sure she deals with her control problem before marriage, or move on until
you meet up with a more relaxed woman who doesn’t need to micro-manage your
life.
LIE #9: Her past is her past—I don’t need to know.
Truth: Wrong! Her past becomes your past. You need to dig during the dating
relationship to see if there are any big issues lurking in the deep waters
beneath the surface. What was her relationship like with her dad? Has she ever
been sexually molested or abused? How have men treated her in past
relationships? How has she treated men in the past? All of this you need to
know now, or you could be shocked and deeply affected later when huge
roadblocks and past skeletons emerge in her sexual or emotional intimacy.
Julie Ferwerda is the author of The Perfect Fit: piecing together true
love
, and has written for publications such as Marriage Partnership
,
Focus on the Family
, and Discipleship Journal
. Find out
more: www.JulieFerwerda.com